In Bed with Billy: Getting Through the Dry Spell October 20, 2009
Posted by Sonya Hudson in : Style , add a commentBilly Curtis, Sex Columnist
When you’re as dumb as I am, sometimes bad things happen. Like losing your USB card with everything you’ve ever written on it, or making a vow to yourself to give your born-again virginity to someone you care about in a world where promiscuity runs rampant, and marriage is the non-socially accepted option—because you’re gay.
I’m just kidding. Regardless though, finding something to occupy yourself in the meantime can be a bit easier than finding someone.
For obvious reasons, my sex life has been drier than the Sahara desert, so alternate options needed to be utilized. What other options are there when you can’t have sex, do you ask?
Well I mean, there are many other options to sex, like oral sex, and foreplay (a dying art) and, clearly, masturbation.
Unfortunately the only one I have really been able to do is masturbation, as finding someone legit to date has deemed itself a harder task than finding the missing magic piece of this golden amulet, or the Holy Grail.
No matter how many people say they don’t do it, I’m quite sure they do. It’s almost as if it were an innate behavior that becomes familiar to us once we hit puberty.
Everyone remembers their first time, the first time someone walked in on them doing it, or the first time they may have done it with another person.
Unfortunately, if you’re looking for something more than just a crazy hook-up in a world where hooking up is basically your only option, masturbation is a great method of keeping your brain aligned with the goals you have for your body.
Masturbation can come in a variety of forms. There is always the self-method, you know, masturbating alone.
I’ve always been a fan of using my imagination to spark sexual desires—I’ve never been much of a pornography person.
Many other people, on the other hand, love to use videos of other people having sex, doing the strange positions that everyone loves—like the frequently used 69 position.
My first time in a pornography shop was quite the experience.
My friend Jessica had started working in one of these shops, and upon my first visit, I was extremely shocked at the different varieties of sexual fetishes that people have.
Midgets with MILFs, sex along with some golden showers, or maybe even something like “Two Girls One Cup” . . . I mean, if you’re into that kind of thing.
Another useful option to make masturbation more interesting is toys.
Women and some gay men happen to love using toys to get them off during the dry spell—I am not one of those people.
While at a birthday dinner for my friend Amy, I was air-hustling (eavesdropping) on a conversation that was going on between my friend Wolfie and Tony.
“I just ordered this new paperweight,” Wolfie said with such enthusiasm that I had to inquire why he would be so excited. Come on, a paperweight?
I’ve been more excited about watching CNN. They explained that “paperweight” was just a pseudonym to disguise the conversation that clearly wasn’t suitable for a birthday dinner—unless you’re my friends.
Lily Tomlin once said, “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”
The obviously tried and true method of using your hands has always been prominent in both the male and female communities.
After all, you and you alone know exactly what you want and need to get you off.
Therefore, if you want it done right, or even done quickly, the hand is always your best option, because sometimes five fingers can be a lot better than one penis, especially if that penis is small.
Masturbation is normal and healthy. It’s even been proven to be extremely healthy for men to masturbate as it helps prevent prostate disease.
Trust me, if you do it, God really isn’t going to murder a kitten somewhere, unless you’re the kitten that got ran over by one of my co-workers this morning—maybe she masturbated and God saw it.
I would say that the most harmful aspect of masturbation is the religious connotations against it and the anxiety that can come to those who feel guilty about doing it.
Just remember that no matter what people tell you, you’re really not doing anything wrong.
There are many options for entertaining yourself during a dry spell; whether it’s for reasons like mine, or because you’re just between partners.
So no matter what your method of choice for releasing your “sexual eruptions” may be, just remember that you’re not committing a crime—you’re just doing the act that has gotten me through the past two months, and will hopefully continue to do so until I find someone important enough to me to give my born-again virginity to.
Just make sure you do what you need to do in order to get yourself through your own personal dry spell, pray to God that it will end soon and hope that your dry desert will soon be soaked with whatever it is you’re looking for.
Halloween Rock: Deathklok and Mastodon to Headline Halloween Show at Patriot Center October 16, 2009
Posted by style in : Style , add a commentPearson Jones, Asst. Style Editor
Halloween provides the yearly excuse to dress up as some of the strangest and most iconic characters without looking too out of place in public. In keeping with the Halloween spirit of make believe characters, George Mason University has scheduled the virtual cartoon death metal band Dethklok to perform at the Patriot Center this Hallows-Eve.
Also known as the TV-famed cartoon band featured on the show Metalocalypse that’s aired on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim, Dethklok will be joined on stage by Grammy-nominated heavy metal band Mastodon as the two groups continue on their “Adult Swim Presents” tour.
Mastodon has become a driving force in recent years behind the movement of new wave American heavy metal and also have been connected to some of Adult Swim’s shows by donating songs, most notably to Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Most people are familiar with Dethklok as the drawn out Scandinavian band from Metalocalypse, but during their tour, audiences will be able to see a more realistic side to this comedy rock band, a style of their own that can only be slightly compared to that of GWAR and Spinal Tap.
However, ultimate question becomes how does a fake cartoon band that only exists on paper perform a live show?
The band’s songs will be performed by real-life musicians in a performance the band said would resonate with how similar cartoon band Gorillaz did their live show. Brendon Small, one of the two minds behind the show Metalocalypse, will be fronting the performance on guitar and lead vocals.
The only difference between the two imaginary bands’ performances, though, is that Dethklok plans to perform their songs without the use of screens to cover the musicians. Gorillaz used screens that only allowed the audience to see the outlines of the performers. While this idea may evaporate the true essence behind the idea of a band being fronted by cartoon characters, it will undoubtedly make the performance more engaging for the audience.
Dethklok and Mastodon will both be making their appearance at Mason’s campus on Oct. 31 at 6:30 pm. Tickets will be sold for $35. Check out http://today.gmu.edu for more information.
Roller Derby, Texas Style: Drew Berrymore Excels in Directorial Debut October 6, 2009
Posted by style in : Style , add a commentJosh Hylton, Staff Writer
Drew Barrymore’s directorial debut Whip It is like an online gaming avatar: it allows the audience to step into the shoes of somebody else and live vicariously through them, even if it’s only for a brief period of time.
Whip It is a coming-of-age story told with equanimity and aplomb, a story that is likely to resonate with many who have had a desire to follow our dreams, but have never realized them.
Based on the book Derby Girl by Shauna Cross, Whip It stars Ellen Page as Bliss, a 17-year-old high school student in desperate need of a new life.
Cross lives in a small, desolate town in Texas, has a miserable job at The Oink Joint (a local restaurant where she is forced to wear an embarrassing pig apron in front of her peers) and participates in a myriad of pageants to please her mother, despite her secret hatred for them.
She is emotionally lost and unsure of where life is taking her until she finds a flyer for a roller derby league promoting the upcoming pre-season game.
She attends the game and falls in love with it, eventually trying out for the team and making it, due to an intense determination and speed the team had never before encountered.
Because she would never be given permission from her parents, she keeps it a secret as long as she can, but the championship game and the biggest pageant of the year have conflicting dates, so she is forced to choose between her happiness or her mother’s.
Whip It is yet another sports movie that follows the same genre conventions of so many films. It is about overcoming hardship, dealing with emotional pain and following your dreams.
The difference between this and others, though, is that there is no revelatory experience. There is no message about racism or the fragility of life. No, Whip It is just pure fun, a feel good movie that doesn’t bombard you with guilt or sadness, but rather whimsy and wit.
The film is mostly a comedy, and a good one at that, but it is not always entertaining, as seen with the mediocre romance that feels inauthentic in an otherwise perfectly convincing world.
Page is wonderful in her role and exuberates the same bubbly charm that she displayed so wonderfully in Juno, but her romantic counterpart, played by Landon Pigg, is a poor match to her charisma and allure.
Despite the movie’s dominant romantic theme, the passion felt forced. Bliss is a girl who wants to be on her own, away from her parents and the drudgery of school and work.
She wants to join the team so she can truly feel alive for the first time in her life.
This is what the movie is really about and the relationship seems misplaced.
The emotional center of the film explores opposing viewpoints in the mother/daughter relationship. Bliss’ mother is somewhat of a Christian conservative type who believes in a ‘50s-era style of womanhood where the women were prim, proper and orderly .She hates to see Bliss venture down a path that she deems crude and unruly.
She is too hard on her at times, but Bliss mistakes her love and compassion for selfishness.
Bliss feels as if she is doing these pageants to live out the life her mother had, but it is really only her desire to see Bliss succeed that drives her to push her daughter so hard.
Though simple in concept, each part of Whip It combines into an absorbing tale whose appeal is undeniable.
It is a strong directorial debut for Barrymore, Page is beautiful and fun as usual, and Jimmy Fallon plays a small role as the commentator for the derby events, gaining more laughs in his few brief scenes than in his whole tenure on his late night show.
It won’t turn any heads, but Whip It will delight those with light hearts and pure minds.
Farmers’ Market Going Sour?: Mason, Smart Markets in Contract Dispute October 6, 2009
Posted by style in : Style , add a commentPatrick Wall, Style Editor
This is not the plan Smart Markets founder Jean Janssen had in mind. Less than two months into the school year, there is growing concern that her farmer’s market, like much of the produce sold there, will not survive the winter.
Janssen is locked in a scuffle with George Mason University over the future of her program. According to Janssen, University Services has informed her that they plan to close the market at the end of October to assess its future.
Last year, University Services started investigating farmer’s markets to bring to campus. They decided on Smart Markets, and opened the market on Earth Day last year, continuing during the summer. It started with only a few vendors, but slowly gained momentum as the summer progressed.
It was a hit with faculty and staff and is now reaching an increasing student audience. Mason’s market was recently named the third best small market in the country by American Farmland Trust. However, tensions between Mason and the market began when, according to Assistant Vice President of University Services Mark Kraner, the university asked Janssen to submit language to change their contract.
According to Janssen, Mason is neglecting the goal of Smart Markets. According to the company’s website, the goal of Smart Markets is to “respond to a need in Northern Virginia for well-managed, well-publicized and guaranteed producer-only farmers’ market.” For Janssen, this creates a conflict of interest for the university.
But Kraner says these needs are already being met. The popular Southside dining hall using local produce, and Mason is actively seeking out new ways to provide students with locally grown options.
Janssen says she was able to attract vendors during the summer because of the potential of the new school year. University Services has said they plan to bring the market back next semester, but Janssen says it won’t be that easy.
“I will not be able to put together a market for next spring if we are kicked out now,” Janssen said in an e-mail. “No one will come back to campus in the spring when we did not make money and suffer another horrible summer to make money next fall for two months.”
The market’s vendors come from within 150 miles, which cuts down on transportation cost and minimizes pollution. Smart Market emphasizes nutrition, resulting in local families and businesses to sell their products to consumers who value them, all while building a stronger sense of community.
This is not to say that Smart Markets and Mason cannot work together harmoniously. “We are asking Jean what we can change for next year,” said Kraner, who added the university may look to other providers.
In the end, chances are good that Mason will continue to have organic and local food on campus. Who provides it remains to be seen.
Making Peace Funny: Comedians Encourage Communication in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict October 6, 2009
Posted by style in : Style , add a commentAlex Hilton, Staff Writer
The StandUp for Peace comedy show Wednesday night was a huge success. The two comedians, SNL’s Dean Obeidallah and Comedy Central’s Scott Blakeman have created a comedy show bringing together people of all religions, including Israelis and Palestinians.
The show is designed to put people of different faiths in the same room and give them an hour of comedy to enjoy in each other’s company.
Following the show was a discussion about the purpose of the show as well as a question-and-answer session with the comedians.
The two friends came up with the idea to create the comedy show while on a bus in New York. The duo performed their set at George Mason University four years ago.
There has been an ongoing conflict between the Israeli and Palestinian people. Blakeman, an Israeli, and Obeidallah, a Palestinian, incorporate this into their show by bringing the two groups together and spreading a message that there can be peace through communication.
Both comedians had the audience laughing the entire show. This was even true during the discussion, where the duo answered questions ranging from their political views to which country they thought had the best hummus.
During the comedy section Scott Blakeman poked fun at Mason’s Presidents Park, asking, “Is there a Clinton dorm yet? ‘Cause that would be a fun dorm.”
Obeidallah had the crowd laughing when talking about the movie He’s Just Not That Into You and declaring, “I actually had my period during the movie.”
The show was a night to laugh at yourself and others in while driving home that by being optimistic about a peaceful end to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, more people will support those trying to make that happen.
As the discussion drew to a close, Blakeman encouraged students to “find common ground on faith” and to “have fun together, anything to make peace.”
In My Own Words: Mason LIFE Student Wins Award October 6, 2009
Posted by style in : Style , add a commentErin Thompson, Staff Writer
Hi, my name is Erin Thompson. I am a senior at George Mason University in the Mason LIFE program.
I work part time at Broadside. I have been involved in the Down Syndrome Association of Northern Virginia.
I became a self-advocate on the Down Syndrome board with another self-advocate named David Egan.
My responsibilities are going to my board meeting or making conference calls for the board meetings once a month and attending the many meetings of the DSANV.
I represent the interests and concerns of people with Down Syndrome on the board but not just the parents or advocates of people with Down Syndrome.
I know what it is like to have Down Syndrome and sometimes I give speeches and represent DSANV. I have some special news to tell you. I recently got nominated for the Dan Piper Award.
I was competing with 18 other people and I won the Dan Piper award and now I am going to New York City to get the award.
I will be presented it in Central Park, where the Buddy Walk is, on Sept. 26.
Computer Generation: The Best CGI Movies of All Time October 6, 2009
Posted by style in : Style , add a commentRoss Bonaime, Staff Writer
It’s hard to believe, but almost 14 years ago Pixar released the first ever fully computer-generated feature film with Toy Story. This week, Pixar will re-release this first film and its sequel with Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D. In honor of this, here are the top 10 CGI movies:
10. Jurassic Park
The immense shock of seeing dinosaurs that weren’t robots or some other gimmick brought audiences in droves with Steven Spielberg’s groundbreaking action film. Jurassic Park seamlessly blended the real with the impossible into a film that dropped jaws and changed action films.
9. Finding Nemo
The tale of a clownfish searching for his son was one that not only resonated with parents around the world and became Pixar’s highest-grossing film, but also pushed the boundaries of CGI with its incredible effects and beautiful underwater worlds.
8. Shrek
The first film to challenge Pixar’s supremacy in the CGI world, Shrek became a massive success with its fractured take on fairytales.
By intentionally blasting the Disney franchise, Dreamworks called out the House of Mouse, but never were able to come as close to greatness as they were with their green giant.
7. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Terminator 2 was the first film to blatantly pull out all the stops with what CGI could really do.
James Cameron’s sequel to his sci-fi hit reveled in his new technques by showcasing the T-1000, a villain who literally could not have been made without this new technology.
6. The Incredibles
The Incredibles was Pixar’s attempt to do humans and were able to pull it off surprisingly well. While other films like Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within went super-realistic, Pixar made cartoony characters that worked and an action film as good as any real actors could pull off.
5. Monsters, Inc.
The sweet story of monsters-for-hire Mike and Sully and their human pal Boo wasn’t just a touching story, but the detail that Pixar would become known for is evident with Monsters, Inc.
The hair on Sully moves realistically and helped further the deep beauty that was possible with CGI.
4. Up
This year, Pixar did what no CGI film could do before: make audiences cry.
Previously, CGI films had mostly been gorgeous to look at with emotion coming second. But with Up, story went into a realm usually reserved for hard-hitting dramas.
3. The Matrix
It is impossible to talk about The Matrix without talking about the special effects.
Like Terminator 2 years before it, The Matrix blew audiences away by making the impossible possible. The Matrix showed that anything you could dream of could be made a reality.
2. WALL-E
Last year, a lonely little trash compacting robot became one of computer animation’s greatest characters.
WALL-E, part Short Circuit’s Number 5, part The Little Tramp, made their inhuman characters believable in a way that had not done before and created a future that was frightening, and a message that is important to all generations.
1. Toy Story 1 & 2
Watching Toy Story now, the flaws are evident: the characters look jaggy, the animation is aged and environments look flat.
But 14 years ago, it was the future. Pixar mixed a new, refreshing art style with the classic tropes that Disney had used for decades.
Then with the sequel, the Pixar gang revitalized what was to be a direct-to-video sequel and in eight months created what is considered to be one of the greatest sequels ever.
Toy Story may have been the beginning of the future, but the beginning has truly remained the best.
Lady’s Night Out: Lady Gaga Entertains, Connects with Fans October 6, 2009
Posted by style in : Style , add a commentJulia Harding, Broadside Correspondent
Lady Gaga may have been an hour and a half late to her show, but fans didn’t care once she appeared on stage.
She shimmered in her mirrored dress and latest hairdo when she started the last concert of her Fame tour last Tuesday night. Starting out with “Paparazzi,” everyone could sense the night was going to end in an explosion.
Upon arrival at the D.A.R. (Daughters of the American Revolution) Constitution Hall, fans were dressed to impress— many ladies (and gentlemen) arrived as mock Lady Gagas. Others just found the craziest leopard print dresses or metallic thigh high boots. The fans were prepared to enjoy their night.
Her style never failed to lure and entice the crowd. From military jacket thong attire to her infamous bubble outfit, Lady was nothing less than marvelous. And if the outfits weren’t enough, the setlist was. Some of the better performances included “Boys, Boys, Boys,” “Lovegame,” “Money Honey” and of course, “Just Dance.”
Between performances were two-minute video clips. Though ingenious, the short films left much to be desired.
A little too robotic and manipulated for the crowd’s taste, the fans had to shake off the creepy persona of the films with intense dancing for the next song.
Every song she performed had its own form of grace. She added class to the peculiar and style to the odd. But of all the talents on display, the most appealing was Lady Gaga’s ability to hold a meaningful conversation with her fans. As a tradition, most artists will speak to their audience for welcoming statements or to claim they love the area, but Gaga had some other words to throw in as well.
She connected with the crowd as if she was having a personal conversation with them. She mentioned how she hated having to explain herself to talk show hosts, and how she wanted everyone to be who they were, because it didn’t matter where someone was from, or how much money they made—it was time to be free and have fun.
She told her fans that now, when she is asked what kind of work she does she explains “I’m in the art of liberation. I just want to make my fans feel free.”
The heart-wrenching element of the night was when she asked her fans to do a very important favor for her. She asked that everyone would hold her dad close to their hearts, and pray if they wanted to, because he was having heart surgery.
Gaga announced that as an adolescent she wasn’t exactly the best daughter to her parents and she felt that her actions were catching up with her. Giving up a little bit of her own heart, she told the crowd to value their families, even if they seemed unbearable, because otherwise they’d feel like she did at that precise moment.
After 10 songs it was time to close down the show and play the song everyone was craving to hear, “Poker Face.”
The song started out acoustically and progressed to the more upbeat version. Finally, she was carried off stage like the pop goddess she is, and everyone took home a little piece of her soul with them.
Kudos, Gaga.
Fundraiser Held for Student Scholarships: Over 2,000 Attended Annual Event October 1, 2009
Posted by style in : Style , add a commentPatrick Wall, Style Editor
The rain may have been falling last Saturday, but grey skies couldn’t dampen the electric feeling at George Mason University’s Center for the Arts. Students, faculty and community members gathered for the fourth annual Arts by George! fundraiser.
Arts by George! is an annual fundraiser presented by Mason to raise money for scholarships. Appropriately, the money goes to students within one of the seven programs within the arts department.
Since its inception in 2005, the program has been a huge success. “It is the buzz of Northern Virginia,” said William Reeder, dean of the College of Visual and Performing Arts, “and that is the result of the quality of the student performer, and we are so incredibly thankful and proud.” This year, Reeder feels confident that the fundraiser brought in over $100,000 in scholarship funding.
Combining a silent auction with a series of concerts and displays, Arts by George! aims to engage its patrons and show them firsthand how their contributions impact students. For the auction, the usual spread of golf outings and fancy dinners were up for grabs, but there was also plenty of art to be had. Works created by Mason students and faculty were just some of the over 90 auction items available.
From paintings and dance to video game design, each program was able to show off. For the students, it was a chance to meet those who were helping their education in a very real way. “It’s really great to see students interact on such a personal level with people who contribute so highly to our educations,” said senior music major Paul Cassens, who performed at the event.
The crowd was energetic and chatty, circling the three floors of the CFA to investigate the different shows. Patrons crowded around the doors of the dance studio to catch bits of their performances and stood around computer screens to see what computer games students had been working on.
Mason President Alan Merten was in attendance, mingling with the crowd. But he wasn’t the only celebrity — former Redskins linebacker Ken Harvey was also in attendance. As one of the silent auction items, Harvey donated his time to play golf with the winner. That evening Harvey saw as many student presentations as he could.
“I never thought I’d see opera and enjoy it,” he joked. “I’m thoroughly impressed.”
But one of the biggest draws was Tony Award-winning artist Brian Stokes Mitchell. The man whom The New York Times dubbed “The Last Leading Man” performed with the American Festival Pops Orchestra.
The event was the orchestra’s first performance. To commemorate the event, Mason graduate student Vincent Oppido composed an original medley of Mitchell’s work for the overture.
“It was pretty great,” said Oppido. “He’s a world-class musician and human being, as well as a Tony Award-winner. You don’t get those kinds of opportunities very often.”
Onstage, it was little surprise that Mitchell was at ease, joking with the crowd. He shared stories from his career with the crowd of nearly 2,000 and gave his thoughts on fatherhood. His songs were as versatile as his booming soprano, singing Gershwin tunes with the same energy as “It’s Not Easy Being Green,” made famous by none other than Kermit the Frog.
In the end, the evening was about the students. “We are so used to successful performances here, that not having a success is practically unheard of,” said Reeder. “The Mason student is among the very, very best anywhere. And we’d better get used to it.”
Daisy Doesn’t Disappoint: Brand New Returns with Latest Offering October 1, 2009
Posted by style in : Style , add a commentPatrick Wall, Style Editor
Brand New has spent the better part of their career challenging listeners. Like Pearl Jam before them, the Long Island quintuplet has never stayed satisfied with legions of fans more than willing to follow along. With Daisy, Brand New has created one of their best and most challenging albums.
Brand New has never been a band to stay in one musical head space for very long. Each album sounds vastly different than its predecessor and Daisy is no exception. The whining pop punk of Your Favorite Weapon now a distant memory, Brand New continues to experiment with new sounds and textures.
Daisy is, in a word, dense. Much like the band’s last release, 2006’s The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me, this new album is difficult to approach.
In truth, it’s a very coarse record that feels almost grimy at first listen. But in true Brand New style, the patient listener is rewarded with an album that is solid from start to finish.
Anger and frustration have always been central to the mystique of Brand New, and that doesn’t change on Daisy. The lead single, “At the Bottom,” still broods and explodes like many of the band’s trademark tunes. This time around, though, Brand New appears to have taken some cues from grunge bands of years past.
Whining guitars and dirty drums mix to create a sound that feels like the bastard child of Modest Mouse’s The Moon & Antarctica and Radiohead’s OK Computer.
Songs like “Be Gone,” with its vocal treatment, and the twists and turns of “Bought a Bride” force the listener to pay attention. This kind of inventiveness and intensity might have turned off a legion of Brand New fans, but it has rightfully earned them the title of “America’s Radiohead.” Lead singer Jesse Lacey said the band wrote the album for the stage instead of the studio. This conscious decision makes the album feel awkward at some points, but isn’t music supposed to be seen live anyway?
Daisy’s weakest link is the lyrics. Lacey largely gave up writing duties for this album and it shows. The sometimes vague and mostly brilliant lyrics are gone, replaced with a more upfront approach. Themes of closure mark the album as the band questions its future.
After some of the great lines of albums past, hearing Lacey croon “The champ goes down like a clown in the second round” on “Bed” is a huge letdown. This isn’t to say there aren’t a generous helping of catchy hooks, but Brand New is capable of better.
Matching the brilliant intensity of their last album was always going to be difficult, but the boys of Brand New have created a worthy successor. True to form, the album feels off-putting at first, but each subsequent spin reveals something new to love.
Is Daisy Brand New’s best album? No. Is it one of the best albums of the year? Absolutely.
The kings of alternative have raised the bar again. Perhaps no one can say it better than Lacey did on “Degausser” from The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me: “No matter what they say, I am still the king.”
Reign on, Brand New. Reign on.